在每个故事背后，都有上帝精心的计划。

Behind each story are people God has orchestrated to meet.

我是Nell，在菲律宾宿雾省托雷多市的一个小镇出生和长大。我们家有七口人。我已故的丈夫是June（英语里面的“六月”）。他的学生和同事通常叫他JD。他是来自宿雾省的一个都市男孩。他成长于一个四口之家。

My name is Nell. I was born and raised in one of the towns in Toledo, Cebu City, Philippines. I am from a family of 7.

My late husband’s name is June, spelled and pronounced exactly as the 6th month of the year. He was usually called JD by his students and colleagues. He was a city boy from Cebu City, Philippines. He’s from a family of 4.

我和JD是在我在宿雾的第一份工作中相遇的。那是我的第一份工作，却不是他的第一份工作。我们的爱情故事开始于2004年。他是我的第一个男朋友，我是他的最后一任女朋友；我在家排行老大，他却是老幺。正如一本书所说：女人来自金星，男人来自火星。我和JD之间的差异性相比这句名言有过之而不及。然而，JD是一个非常执着有毅力的人。无论我怎么拒绝他，无论我以什么样的态度对待他，他都没有放弃。他的真诚、坚持和始终如一的态度，再加上他周日带我去教堂的做法拉进了我们彼此的距离。

JD and I met in my first work in Cebu. It was my first job but it wasn’t his first job. Our love story started there in 2004. He was my first boyfriend. I was his last girlfriend. I am the eldest in my family. He’s the youngest. As a book stated, women are from Venus and men are from Mars, to say that JD and I were extremely different is an understatement. However, JD was one persistent and consistent person. No matter what rejections and attitude I gave him, he never gave up. His sincerity, consistency, persistence, and ways to take me to church on Sundays made us closer.

正如很多人所经历的，我们的相处并非一帆风顺。2008年，我离开他来了中国工作。他也于2009年追随我的脚步来了这里。我们在2013年12月结婚。2014年10月7日，上帝赐给我么一个儿子。他在西安出生和长大。我们总是说儿子是上帝赐给我们婚姻的礼物。

As with many people, we had a lot of ups and downs. I left him to work in China in 2008. He followed me in China in 2009. We married on December 30, 2013. We were blessed with our son who was born on October 7, 2014. Our son was born and raised in Xi’an, China. We always said that he’s God’s marriage gift to us.

2021年12月28日，JD最终没有打赢那最后的战役，在40岁的时候就离开了人世。我们的儿子当时才7岁。从此我的生活发生了翻天覆地的改变。但是回想起来，如果不是因为上帝，我们携手走过的那些年也会是另一番景象。如果不是圣灵的工作，我们之间的的诸多差异、各自的骄傲、价值观和生活重心的不同，都可能拆毁我们的婚姻。现在我和儿子感伤他的离开，但也不能忘记为我们所拥有过的一切而献上感恩。这就是生活。

JD lost in the battle of life and death on December 28, 2021. He was 40 years old. Our son was 7. I was 39. Life was turned upside down but all the years we built together would not have been built without God. Our differences, pride, values, and life priorities would have not brought us all the years we had had without His Holy Spirit. We grieve for his lost but we can’t forget to be thankful for all the things we had had over the years. That is life.

没有人能预测未来。

No one can predict the future.

当我决定向某人敞开心扉时……很多人问：“为什么是他（JD他丈夫名字的缩写）？”

When I decided to open my heart to someone…many asked, “Why JD?”

真理是在生活中显露的。很多人喜欢“拥有某个人”这个想法，但实际上没有多少人能足够成熟去应对那个人的真实面目。JD和我是既不成熟又成熟的人，能够应对彼此。

The truth is in life, many love the idea of having a certain person but not many has the actual maturity to handle the reality of that certain person. JD and I were the ones who had both the immaturity and maturity to handle each other.

他最爱的曲目是由Casting Crowns乐团唱的《我是谁》，而我的最爱曲目是由Gary Valenciano演唱的《战士是个孩子》。基本上，《我是谁》遇到了《战士是个孩子》，剩下的都成了历史。

His ‘go-to’ song was “Who Am I” by Casting Crowns and mine was “The Warrior Is a Child” by Mr. Gary Valenciano.  Basically, “Who Am I” met “The Warrior Is a Child” and the rest was history.

他们说恋爱关系并不总是如预期的那样发展。是的 ，大多数时候，生活总是不尽如人意！JD唯一的愿望是活得比他的父亲更长些，并能看到他的儿子们毕业，过上更好的生活。仅此而已。但这也不是任何人所能期望或希望的，不是通过努力就可以达成的。他的寿命比他祈祷的要短得多。我从未见过他的父亲，但他对他父亲的评价很高。他说因为他父亲，他才变好的。他向我分享了大量的回忆和故事。作为一个曾经被关爱过的儿子，他也同样去关爱自己的儿子。

They say relationships don’t always go as expected. Heck! Life doesn’t go as expected most of the time! JD’s only wish was to outlive his dad and somehow be able to see his sons graduate and live better lives. That too wasn’t something anyone could just expect or wish for; not even worked hard for. His time was over way shorter than he prayed for. I never met his dad but he spoke highly of him. He said he was a better man because of him. He shared tons of memories and stories of him. Being a loved and cared son, that was replicated to his own sons in his ways.

如果我可以写一封信给他……

If I could send a letter to him…

最亲爱的孩子他爸：

Dearest Dad,

已经2年了。我有很多话想对你说。你还记吗？那时我们身处不同的城市，我们是第一批使用蓝牙耳机的人，我们戴着蓝牙耳机聊天到天亮。我们几乎不挂电话，戴着耳机睡觉和起床。而现在，你已经离开我们两年了，没有人可以听我分享生活中的点点滴滴，没有人可以听我讲奈杰的事。奈杰也有很多话想和你说。我相信约书亚一定也是如此。我们有很多想和你一起做、一起经历的事。

It’s been almost two years; 22 months and 3 days to be exact! I have so much to tell you! Do you remember the time when we were in different cities, we were the first ones who were using the blue tooth earpieces and we talked all day and night!? We barely hung up! We woke up and went to bed with them. Now…for almost two years…I got no one to share every up and down….no one to share things with Nigel. Nigel has so much to share with you, too. I’m sure Josh got tons to share with you as well. We have so many things we wanted to do and experience with you.

没有了你的日子，我无法完全描述我的内心、思想和生活。人们常说：“Ang important buhi！”（重要的是活着。）但讽刺的是，这却不适用于我和奈杰。对我们来说，重要的不仅仅是活着……真正重要的是：即使是在岩石、火灾、台风和飓风中，依然要尽情享受生活。是的……在深深的悲痛中也要如此。可笑的是，我完全可以一边笑一边在哭，或是大笑之后大哭，大哭之后大笑。有些日子，我非常好。有些日子，我却非常痛苦和疯狂。是的，有些人可能会说我是精神病房的候选人。我敢肯定，你会说：那是我孩子的妈妈，一个战士!

I can’t fully describe what’s true in my heart, mind, and life in general with this life I am served without you. They say in Cebuano, “Ang importante buhi!” (The important thing is being alive.) Ironically, that’s not true for me and Nigel. The important thing is actually not merely being alive…. the real important thing is living life to the fullest amidst the rocks, fire, typhoon, and hurricane thrown in this so-called life. And yes…amidst deep grief. The funny thing is I can totally say I could laugh and cry at the same time or one after the other. Some days, I’m perfectly fine. Some days are insanely painful and crazy. Yes, some may say I am a definite candidate to be in the mental ward. And I am sure, you’ll say that’s my mommy, the warrior.

你一直认为生活就像游泳。哎，我甚至不会游泳，但我却成为了一名出色的冲浪运动员……我现在真的是 “悲伤冲浪家”。

You always believed that life is like swimming. Heck! I don’t even swim, but I became a great surfer… I’m really an expert at grief wave surfing now.

奈杰告诉我时间过得太快了……但这好吗？

Nigel told me time went by too fast…Is that good?

不是一次，而是两次！他们两次向我宣布你死了。

It wasn’t once, but twice! They pronounced you dead twice.

2021年12月17日，我们把奈杰送到他的学校后去了办公室。我还记得自己因为你一直强忍着身体的疼痛不去看医生而生气。我记得我告诉过你，如果你想看到你的儿子长大，就去医院。后来我们只得互相拿保险开玩笑。你一直说要等到圣诞节后才去医院。我坚持说你必须立刻去，因为那天你工作时呼吸困难。我们俩都不知道这是我们面对面在一起的最后一天。你甚至能自己走进急诊室。我讨厌自己当时竟然因为要给你和奈杰买晚餐而没陪你。当我回到急诊室时，医生告诉我你情况危急，必须被送往CCU（冠心病监护病房）。我不太记得了，但我真的很生气。我不知道发生了什么。在我的脑海中：“为什么他会处于危急状态？他是我的巨人！他强壮如磐石。”但因为奈杰在我身边，我必须让自己冷静一点。我们不被允许进入CCU，你也不被允许外出。那是我们在一起的最后一天。我们只能通过你床边的电脑见面和交谈。再一次，我们俩当时都不知道我们还有多少天可以拥有这种特权。

On December 17, 2021, we went to the office after sending Nigel to his school. I remember being angry with how you bear whatever physical pain you were feeling. I remember telling you to go to the hospital if you wanted to see your sons grow. We managed to joke with each other on the insurance we had. You kept saying you would go to the hospital after Christmas. I insisted as you were having hard time breathing while working on that day. Little did we both know it was our last day to be physically together. You even managed to walk yourself in the emergency room on your own. I hated the fact that I left to grab a quick dinner for you and Nigel. When I went back to the emergency room, the doctor told me you were in a critical condition and had to be sent to the CCU. I don’t remember a lot from there but I was really angry. I wasn’t sure what was going on. In my mind was, “Why would he be in a critical condition? He is my hulk! He’s strong as a rock.” But I had to pace myself as I was with Nigel. We were not allowed to enter the CCU and you were not allowed to go out. That was our last day to physically be together. We were only able to see and talk with each other through the computer right next to your bed. Again, little did we know we had countable days to have that privilege as well.

2021年12月21日，我们在微信视频通话中交谈，你开玩笑地说：“你是要既当父亲又当母亲了‘InaTay’！”（InaTay~Inay（妈妈）+Tatay（爸爸）=双重父母角色）这让我非常愤怒和想流泪！我不知道那是我们最后一次谈话……

On December 21, 2021, we spoke over WeChat video call and you jokingly said, “You’re kicking ass as an ‘InaTay’!” (InaTay ~ Inay(mom) + Tatay(dad) = Dual Parent Role) That made me really angry and teary! Little did I know that was our last talk.

2021年12月22日凌晨1点03分，你在微信上给我发了“爱你妈妈”。几秒钟后，你陷入昏迷。你最后一次醒着的时间是用来发信息的！医生用普通话给我打电话说你走了。不仅翻译令我茫然不知所措，我整个人都懵了。医生本应该说你心脏病发作，进入昏迷阶段。由于全市范围的封锁，我甚至连医院的大门都进不了。在一个冬天的黎明，我用普通话和英语尖叫、述说和乞求他们让我见到你。你知道，只有当我的挫败感超出我的极限时，我的普通话才能发挥出来。我在医院大门外的路上哭着，医院院长来告诉我，他们能让你苏醒过来，但你处于昏迷状态，他们很抱歉不得不遵守封锁的规定。没有见到你，我真的很难过，但在所有这些磨难中，你都是独自一人面对，这让我越来越难过。我无能为力。无论我怎么哭求……

不管有多少工作人员来帮助我和帮助你，我却什么都不能为你做。我只想多陪你一会儿，把你抱得更紧一点……即便是如此卑微的愿望也成了奢求。

On December 22, 2021, at 1:03 am, you sent “love you mommy” on WeChat. Seconds later, you were in a coma. Your last waking time was used to send that message! The doctor called me saying you were gone in Mandarin. Not only I was lost in translation I was really in a total mess. The doctor was supposed to say you had a heart attack and went to a comatose stage. With the citywide lockdown, I wasn’t even allowed to enter even the gates of the hospital. On a winter dawn, I was screaming, speaking, and begging in both Mandarin and English to let me see you. You know my Mandarin skills only come out when my frustration has gone beyond my limit. I was crying on the road right outside of the hospital’s gate when the head of the hospital came to me to tell me that they were able to resuscitate you, but you were in a coma and that they were sorry that they had to follow the lockdown protocols. I was really devastated to not see you, but I was sadder and more devastated with the fact that you were alone in all these ordeals. There was nothing I could do. No matter how I cry…no matter how many staff went to my aid and to your aid, there was nothing else I could do. I just wanted to stay with you a little longer and hold you a little tighter. Even that wasn’t up to us.

12月23日，医院通知我关于你的状况，报告你身体内部正在发生的每个变化。他们提出了相关的建议……我不确定我是否完全理解了他们的建议。我感觉自己漂浮着……“失魂落魄”这个词甚至无法形容我当时的样子。他们安排了大量的检查并进行了必要的透析，他们说，你醒来的几率约为10%。并且即使你醒来，很有可能半瘫痪。奈杰和我每时每刻都在为圣诞奇迹祈祷。你从CCU（冠心病监护病房）被转到了ICU（重症监护病房），这途中，我和奈杰终于能够再次见到你，终于能抱住你和待在你旁边，但是时间真的很短。没有人会，也没有人能想象我的巨人竟然只有10%的生存机率，而且这个百分比还意味着高几率的瘫痪。

On December 23, I was told about your condition regarding what’s going on in your body. They gave suggestions on what to do from there……I wasn’t sure I totally understood things. I was floating… ‘lost’ wasn’t even a word that could describe how I was then. They scheduled tons of tests and did the needed dialysis. They said there was about 10% chance for you to wake up and a big possibility of being half paralyzed if you woke up. Nigel and I prayed every second for a Christmas miracle. You were moved from the CCU to ICU. Nigel and I were finally able to see you again as they transported you from the CCU to the ICU. We were able to hold you and stay next to you as the transport was taking place. It was really a short time. No one would and could imagine my hulk would be in 10% chance and with that percentage came high possibility of paralysis.

12月25日，我鼓起最大的勇气，决定把你送到普通病房，让你有机会和家人在一起。我一直知道，在这种情况下，你宁愿和家人在一起，也不愿和医生在一起。但这里的制度完全不同，他们不允许我们把你送到普通病房，我一直要求穿上防护服和你在一起，哪怕一分钟也好，但都被拒绝了。

On December 25, I gathered every inch of strength to make the decision to get you to a regular ward to have the chance to be with our family. I always knew you would rather be with the family than be with the doctors in these circumstances. But the system here is totally different, we were not allowed to get you to the regular ward and my constant requests to wear a hazmat and be with you even for a minute were always denied.

12月26日，你被安排做核磁共振检查。我带奈杰去了医院，当他们把你从重症监护室送到核磁共振实验室之后再回来时，我们终于又见到了你。你流泪了，好像是在回应我们，特别是回应奈杰的歌声和我的触摸。当时医生很严谨地给我做科学方面的解释。但对我和奈杰来说，那是我们在你还有心跳时的最后一次互动。

On December 26, you were scheduled for an MRI. I took Nigel to the hospital, and we finally were able to see you one more time as they were transporting you from the ICU to the MRI lab and back. You had tears and you were kinda reacting to us specially to Nigel’s singing voice and my touch. Scientifically, the doctor was telling us scientific explanations. But for me and Nigel, that was our last interaction while your heart was still beating.

2021年12月27日，我独自去了医院，但我只能通过医院提供的工具与你交谈。我只被允许谈10分钟，但我花了一整天的时间，透过在你床上的电脑上和你聊天。电话每10分钟自动关闭一次，我一次又一次地打电话。我确信忙碌的医生和护士对此感到困扰，但我坚持在那里……我几乎不知道这是最后一天。我再次要求把你转移到普通病房……但无济于事。我不知道你是否真的听到了，出于一个女人的直觉，我觉得你能够听见我告诉你：去选择最适合你的。我告诉你，无论你选择什么，我都会接受，我会一如既往地尽我所能。这是我曾经以为只有在电视和电影上才会见到的告别画面。我要求留在医院，但医生让我回家找奈杰。是的，奈杰一个人在家。7岁的他也必须振作起来。

On December 27, 2021, I visited the hospital alone, but I could only speak with you through the gadget the hospital provided. I was only allowed a 10 minute-talk, but I took the whole day talking with you over the computer on your bed. The calls automatically shut down every 10 minutes and I kept calling again and again. I am sure the busy doctors and nurses were bothered by that, but I was just there …. little did I know it was the last day. I requested to move you to a regular ward again….to no avail. I guess that was the instinct of a woman kicking in. I don’t know if you actually heard me, but I was able to tell you to choose what’s best for you. I told you I would accept whatever it was you chose and that I would do my best as always. A goodbye I only thought I would see on TV and movies. I asked to stay in the hospital, but the doctors told me to go home to Nigel. Yes, Nigel was alone. He had to man up as well.

2021年12月28日早上，我接到一个电话，说你又心脏病发作了，说如果我想和你在一起的话，最好立刻去医院。我真的很生气他们这么说，好像我之前没有一直要求和你在一起似的。这座城市仍处于封锁、封闭状态……没有出租车……没有公交车……我不能骑自行车……我们的同事和朋友都不能离开他们的社区，没有人能开车送我去医院。我叫了救护车，但当时附近的救护车都很忙。有人打电话给警察局，他们派了一辆警车给我。我乘坐警车去了医院。由于有很多路障，警察不得不绕行几次。最后，当我到达医院时，你已经离开了。当我穿着防化服，走过最长、最悲伤、最可怕的路，最后一次见到我的爱人时，我的愤怒、悲伤和所有其他情绪都到极限了。当时，我甚至想烧掉这家医院，为什么要等到你的心脏不再跳动，我才被允许进来？我迈着沉重的脚步和沉重的心，走近你的床……你走了……真的走了。我很抱歉在你生命的最后时刻没有和你在一起。当我看着你的身体时，没有一滴眼泪掉下来。医生在说话，我却什么也听不见。愤怒和所有不好的感受都被那些从我们相遇的第一天开始的一帧帧画面所取代……人类的大脑和心灵有自己的方式处理……所有美好的回忆和我们共同的生活战胜了我所有的负面情绪。

In the morning of December 28, 2021, I got a call that you had another heart attack and I had to be there if I wanted to be with you, I was really angry with how they said that as if I hadn’t kept on asking to be with you. The city was still on a lockdown…no taxis…no buses…I couldn’t ride a bike…The people we work with, and our friends were not allowed to go out of their communities. No one could drive me to the hospital. I called on an ambulance, but the ambulance nearby was all busy at that time. Someone called the police station. They sent me a police car. I went to the hospital on a police car. The police had to detour few times as there were tons of roadblocks. In the end, you were totally gone when I got to the hospital. My anger and sadness and all the other emotions were all over as I was wearing the hazmat taking the longest, saddest, and the most dreadful walk to meet my love one last time. As I was walking, I even thought of burning the hospital wondering why I was allowed to enter when your heart wasn’t beating anymore. Striding and lifting my heavy feet and heavy heart, I approached your bed…. you were gone…. really gone. I was so sorry for not being with you in your last moments. Not a single tear dropped as I was looking at your body. The doctor was talking, and I couldn’t hear a thing. Anger, and all ill feelings were somehow replaced with all the flashbacks we had since the day we met…. the human brain and heart cope their own ways…all the great memories and the life we shared were the things that won over all my negative emotions.

最重要的是，由于限制，我们之前从未使用过FB和 messenger……但我感觉到了你……和上帝的同在……那天在菲律宾有强台风，网落信号是断的，原本应该没有人可以用这些社交软件联系到我们，我们也联系不上他们，但是我竟然用手机打通了电话，联系到了所有的亲人和朋友。在把你送入太平间前，让他们和你作最后的道别。我无法解释这一切。另外，有两个陌生人出现，一个护士和一位病人的妻子走近我，给我水，并试图和我说话，安慰我。她们说的是中文，但令人惊讶的是，我竟然能听懂她们说的每一句话。是上帝和你……支持着我。我能感觉到是这样……现实击中了我，眼泪在我的脸颊上流淌。悲伤确实是我们需要为爱付出的代价。

On top of that, we had never used FB and messenger due to the restrictions…. I felt you…and God’s presence…. the messenger calls and other calls to the Philippines went through. I couldn’t explain that. The strangers in the form of the nurse and the other wife of another patient approached me and gave me water and tried to talk with me. They were speaking Chinese and amazingly I understood everything they were saying. It was God and you…. I was picked up. I felt that…reality hit and tears were running on my cheeks. Grief is indeed the price we pay for love.

你在圣诞节后的3天、我们结婚纪念日前的2天离开了。我想上帝和你都确保了当天不是圣诞节，也不是我们的结婚纪念日。

You left 3 days after Christmas…2 days before our wedding anniversary. I think God and you made it sure it wasn’t Christmas, and it wasn’t our wedding anniversary, ey!

这是我们一生中最幸福的一个月……却成为最悲伤的一个。我甚至不记得我是怎么告诉奈杰你永远不会再回家了。但无论你身在何处，看看我们，我相信你会为我们感到骄傲。我们仍会不时哭泣，但你永远在我们心中。我们共同分享的记忆和学习过的功课……我们一起度过的人生……都将永远被珍视。

The happiest month in our lives…. became the saddest one. I don’t even remember how I told Nigel you weren’t coming home. But look at us from wherever you are, I’m sure you are proud of all of us. We’re still going to cry from time to time, but you are always in our hearts. The memories and lessons we have shared…. the life we shared…are forever cherished.

我们心碎，但仍然感激我们所拥有的这些年。

We have broken hearts but still grateful hearts for all the years we had had.

你是个好父亲……不……你是约书亚和奈杰最棒的父亲。

You’re a good father….no…you’re a great father to Josh and Nigel.

你曾经犯了错误，但是之后为了成为最好的男人而加倍努力。上帝创造了你，并且选择了你成为我生命中的一部分，成为两个了不起的年轻人的父亲。

You made mistakes and worked harder to be the best man, God made you and chose you to be in my life and the father of 2 amazing young men.

你无私地将你的所有都献给了我。

You were selfless in giving me your all.

我们一直会怀念你。你已经完成了你的部分，现在轮到我们了。

We miss you always. You had done your part. It’s our turn now.

你的妻子，最好的朋友，最糟糕的敌人，生活伴侣

Your wife, best friend, worst enemy, and life partner,

Nell

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